Go read my feature article on The Comedians of Myspace at Punchline Magazine!

The widely popular Myspace Group, “The Comedians of Myspace,” was started in November of 2004 and today remains the largest most active private group dedicated to comics in all of Myspaceland.

“There didn’t seem to be any groups on MySpace that were for comedians, I mean seriously for comedians. All the groups I visited were open to the general public and were chock full of inane bullshit threads such as ‘What’s your favorite episode of Friends?’ or ‘Which comedian is cuter,” says group moderator and comedian, Kris Knight.

You can read the entire feature article at PunchlineMagazine.com - Premiere online comedy forum, The Comedians of Myspace.

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How I plan to get all bikini coffee stands closed for good.

Bikini baristas will be searching for new work after I launch my campaign against the coffee stands that are ruining the drive through experience for coffee lovers everywhere. Tales have surfaced of parents stopping for a blended mocha and cocoa for the kids only to find scantily clad gals offering up beverages and peep shows. Complaints of lines lasting almost an hour long just for a glimpse of the barista with stickers on her nipples. With new stands popping up all over the map and established stands wanting to stay competitive and keep their loyal male customer base by switching over, I can no longer stand idly by.

In my last post, I likened the girls who work at these stands to strippers who can't fully commit to taking off all their clothes. While I meant the remark to be flippant, I realized that the large of amount of tips and male attention over their bodies, probably has a large amount of appeal to many of these girls. Girls, who if approached by someone in the business, would most likely take the next step toward nude exotic dancing. It is widely agreed that stripping is a gateway job to porn. Since most actresses in the adult industry are addicted to some form of drug, it becomes quite clear that the bikini barista job is a gateway to porn and drug abuse.

My plan is simple and is broken down in two main parts. First, I will contact my local Labor and Industries department and inform them of the unsafe working conditions at these stands. Baristas are preparing extremely hot beverages and working with heavy equipment. As such, employees are required to wear clothing that will protect their skin from burns and closed toe shoes to protect their feet from any heavy object falling on them. My calls will be frequent and regular until the stands are forced to put clothes back on their employees or shut down due to constant fines. Also, I will have an assistant drive to these stands and order dangerously hot over sized drinks during peak business when the baristas are most frantic and prone to accident.

Phase two is something I refer to as RCW 9A.88.010 - Indecent exposure. As mentioned above, parents driving through these stands with children in the back are not expecting their children to get a peak of what lies ahead. Turns out, my state has a law in place that prevents someone from obscenely exposing them self in such a way that is likely to cause reasonable affront or alarm to the other person. This crime is a misdemeanor unless the exposure happens to a person under the age the 14 in which case you are committing a gross misdemeanor. I realize that what is legally considered obscene and what isn't is up to a judge to decide, but my plan is to force these stands into a painstaking legal battle of which there is no hope for escape or victory.

Who's with me?

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Why I want to get all bikini coffee stands shut down

The "bikini barrista" occupation is ruining the coffee scene. Earlier this year, a drive thru stand made the local news because the barrista only wore bikinis or pasties while they worked. Apparently this fad is taking off all over the country and now several stands in my area are "converting" over. The problem is that I do not want to go to one of these stands for my coffee and I fear that if I do not do something now, I may not have a choice.

While I have never actually been to one of these novelty stands, I have been told that the lines are painstakingly long. Some wait times have well exceeded 15 minutes. Why? Because lonely or desperate males are longing for a glimpse of an 18-20 something-year-old female preparing coffee in the almost nude and not because they want to enjoy a finely hand crafted espresso drink. I don't care if St. Peter were handing out fake "get out of hell free" cards with every16 oz drink, I'm want my large, triple restretto raspberry breve mocha and I'm not waiting more than 7 minutes for it.

Whenever I get my haircut, check out at a grocery store, or order coffee, I always find myself fighting a small bit of anxiety, hoping that the person helping me does not try to make small talk. I hate it. I'm just not social that way. I'd prefer to keep it to what I expect.

• Employee greets me and asks what I would like.
• I reply appropriately and wait for my service.
• Employee finishes transactions, thanks me. We both say good-bye.

Anything outside of that rough template completely throws me off. Including small talk, asking me to try a special, or asking if I would like to put my name on a paper shoe to help a charity. There is no way I could order a coffee at a stand where I also have to worry about not looking in the direction of the barrista who isn't wearing any clothes.

The only benefit I can see to this sort of position is that it provides employment for girls with low self esteem who have always wanted the tips, attention, and self objectifying behavior that come with being a stripper without having to commit to taking off your underwear or giving a lap dance.

In my follow up post, I will detail exactly how I will implement my plan to put stop to these bikini coffee stands and bring order and sense back to that little corner of my world. You do not want to miss the next post so click here to subscribe to the Chaseblogger newsletter, and you will be notified as soon as it is posted.

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I think O.J. might have been guilty

Finally, over a decade since the acquittal, someone has come forward regarding O.J. Simpson's innocents (or lack thereof.) Mike Gilbert, a memorabilia dealer, wrote a book called, "How I Helped O.J. Get Away With Murder: The Shocking Inside Story of Violence, Loyalty, Regret and Remorse" which claims Simpson confessed once after getting high on the marijuana that he did in fact commit the murders. All this after the "If I Did It: Here is how I would do it" book that was written by Simpson last year. I'm not sure what everyone else's thought are on this, but I'm starting to think he may have actually killed those people. Its astonishing to me that our legal system could have let something like this slip. I mean, the gloves clearly didn't fit his hands. Hello??

In a related story, I am working on a book called, "If I Did It: Here is why O.J. Simpson is Mother F&*ker."

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Chaseblogger teams up with Paypal

Have you ever found yourself reading a blog and thought to yourself, "man, I really enjoy this stuff. If only there was some way that instead of leaving just a regular comment, I could leave a dollar. Or 10." Boy, I can't count the number of times I've come across that problem.

Luckily, I have teamed up with Paypal just for that reason. Below (and at the side of this blog) is a handy little button. If you feel so inclined, you can click it and show some love.

Of course, comments are always welcome!

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My Family and Friends VS. Autism

On April 9th, 2008 our youngest son, Noah Vincent, was diagnosed with PDD-NOS, a disorder on the Autism Spectrum. Please visit my blog to read more about PDD-NOS at Roper's Roundup.

Autism Speaks' signature fundraising and awareness event Walk Now for Autism will be taking place in Tacoma, Wa on July 19th, 2008. Please join our team to raise money and awareness. Be one of Noah's Ark Angels!!

If you'd like to walk with us and join Noah's Ark Angels, click here.
If you'd like to support our team and help with our goal of $5000.00 click here.

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Need a Press Release written? I can write one for you

I am going to be setting a up a site soon for comedians to be able to request press releases to be written for them.These can go in Press Kits, be submitted to local newspapers/magazines, or be submitted to online services like PR Newswire for statewide or national distribution. Rates will depend mostly on the length of the PR and be general with a space above for you to be able to reuse and update dates for shows followed by a brief sort of feature written about you OR can be entirely focused on one particular project, show, or event you are involved with.

When you start making bigger money for headlining clubs or touring colleges, chances are you can afford to hire a Publicist or something similar to that. Part of their job is creating and submitting your press releases. One problem I see is that publicsists are not the same as writers. The potential of a well written press release being used in the right way can be huge for someone's career. Also,
nobody seems to offer any services of a Publicist as an a la carte. You’re just faced with paying huge monthly fees (sometimes hourly) when you really only need the service once in a while. That’s what I hope to eventually offer for everyone on a large scale. For now - press releases.

If you are interested in finding out more, seeing samples of features/interviews I’ve written for PunchlineMagazine, or would like to talk more about ordering a Press Release for your self, email me at chaseblogger@hotmail.com.

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Zombies

If I was given the choice between watching a western movie or a zombie movie, I would pick the zombie movie pretty much 100% of the time. Because with a zombie movie,you can’t be disappointed because you know exactly what you are going get. Zombies are going to come up out of the ground and try to eat people. There is sure to be blood gurgling, people screaming, and tables manners being wantonly disregarded. Yep, I used the word "wantonly." You can look it up.

Remember the old Scooby Doo cartoons zombies. Those zombies came with that laugh tracks. Shaggy would be like, "Hey Scoob, watch out for that brain eating Zombie," and then the zombie would be like, "ggrrrhrhkjamble," and then an audience would erupt in laughter. Zombies don’t usually say things that end in "jamble."

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I quit my job today

I made a decision today that may put my family in a tight spot but at the same time may also open a lot doors and possibilities that I hadn’t noticed before. Today a series of events that have been transpiring at my work finally came to a head. I would be more than happy to share with people privately what exactly went down in person or over the phone maybe if you are interested or even a private message on myspace, but the end result was, I quit.

I am extremely confident that I will have no problem finding work almost anywhere else, but what I’m having a hard time with is the feeling that I am no longer providing the way I should be for my family - and its only been one afternoon! I think ultimately this will open me up to trying to find work related to writing, either for doing reviews and feature articles, or for screenplays, sketches, or whatever else there is (radio?). I don’t know if a period is supposed to go after that last parenthesis but I’m putting there anyway because that’s the kind of thing I hear irrational unemployed people do.

3:19 PM - 0 Comments -

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There are way too many different teas to choose from

 

Hey tea makers, why don't you just stick to the basic tea groups. When I go to the store, I just want to have to choose from Black, Earl Grey, Green Tea, whatever that red tea is called, and Chai. I don't need chamomile, lavender, or honeysuckle.

If I want a variety of garden flower flavored tea, I'll go out in my yard and rip those freaking plants out of the earth and put them in the cup myself.

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